Because Dean Cain Sucks: MAGA Superman Is Dead
Dean Cain is no longer allowed to have anything to do with Superman. We're retconning him out.
Update:This week Dean Cain was on Fox News, complaining about "wokeness and anti-Americanism" in the recent Ta-Nehisi Coates-led Captain America comics, which featured Captain America decrying the way marginalized Americans are often sold a dream before they're "handed a raw deal."
Never mind the fact that Captain America has a long history of this kind of criticism, or the fact that Dean Cain praises America for "constantly striving for a more perfect union" — an effort that is literally impossible without vocal criticism of the nation's flaws. The more important point is that Cain has no authority to speak on superheroes, because we already erased him from Superman history.
Is it possible for an actor to be so obnoxious that he harms the character he portrays? If so, then Dean Cain has been doing his best in recent years to kill Superman.
Cain's fame peaked in the 1990s when he starred alongside Teri Hatcher in ABC's Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, which aired for four seasons from 1993 to 1997.
At the time he seemed like an ideal embodiment of the man of steel. He was handsome and charming–with that great Superman hair. He was also a genuine athlete, having once been signed to the NFL's Buffalo Bills — though a knee injury kept him from ever playing with the team. Little did we know at the time that his disarming smile was hiding a garbage personality.
Perhaps that's part of the reason why his career took such a substantial plunge after his breakout role. After Lois & Clark ended, Cain moved on to host the TBS show Ripley's Believe It or Not, which showcased oddities from around the world and was a great option for watching a man squirt milk out of his tear duct, but it wasn't quite the level of prestige of a major network drama.
Since then things have gone even further downhill. Cain's acting career has largely consisted of bit parts in low-budget sci-fi movies and conservative morality tales.
Lucky for him, he's been able to supplement that work with the added fame he gets from being a member of the Republican party's scant, roster of pro-Trump celebrities — joining the prestigious ranks of Scott Baio, Kid Rock, and Roseanne Barr. His biggest TV work these days is an occasional spot on the Fox & Friends couch.
What makes Cain particularly infuriating is his posturing as a reasonable and tolerant man, all while caping for politics that are anything but.
Cain described himself as pro-LGBT rights while defending a president who banned trans people from the military and wanted businesses to be allowed to discriminate on the basis of sexuality. He described himself as pro-choice while defending the Georgia Heartbeat Bill that would have made it virtually impossible for women in that state to seek safe abortions.
He decried "cancel culture" as "an early version of 1984" while continuing to support a presidential administration that was built on Doublespeak. He bemoans the absurd idea that Superman's motto — "Truth, justice, and the American way" — would be censored in 2020, all while supporting a president who ushered in the "post-truth" era, keeps pardoning his criminal cronies, and is actively dismantling America's institutions.
In short, Dean Cain sucks. And in case you ever forget that fact, he regularly reminds the world on Twitter — where his header photo appropriates the most misused MLK quote of all time, and his bio opens: "Father. Filmmaker. Freedom. Family. Former Buffalo Bill."
Last summer on Twitter, Cain once again made it clear where he stands by rushing to the defense of fellow pro-Trump actor Jon Voight. The Anaconda actor, who also happens to be Angelina Jolie's estranged father, has been among the most vocal Trump supporters in Hollywood, and he narrated videos celebrating Donald Trump for both the 2016 Republican National Convention and the 2020 RNC.
Voight's 2020 narration refers to the COVID-19 pandemic as an "unpredictable event," despite the scientific consensus that this kind of pandemic was inevitable and required exactly the kinds of preparations that Donald Trump's administration dismantled in 2018.
Voight also asserted that Trump's "swift action saved lives," despite the fact that Donald Trump's delayed and chaotic approach to the crisis led to the US becoming a global epicenter for the coronavirus and is estimated to be responsible for around 40% of America's staggering death toll.
It was in response to this contribution to Donald Trump's reelection campaign that one of Jon Voight's Ray Donovan co-stars spoke out on Twitter about his experience with Voight while filming the Showtime series.
Pulp Fiction | 'Say What Again' (HD) - Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta | MIRAMAXwww.youtube.com
Frank Whaley, best known for his performance as the man who should definitely not "say 'what' again" to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, opened with a succinct "**** Jon Voight" and recounted an event when he claims that Jon Voight "slapped [Whaley] across the face in the middle of a scene because he couldn't keep up."
Whaley even provided proof of the incident in the form of a still photograph taken on set — plainly showing the moment immediately after Voight slapped him. But this evidence wasn't enough for Dean Cain, ever loyal to his awful team.
Sure, Whaley was actually there, and he was the one who actually got slapped, but he doesn't support Donald Trump, so he must be lying to make Trump-supporters look bad! It's Trump derangement syndrome!
That seems to be Cain's logic in responding to Whaley on Twitter, saying, "the reason he slapped you remains a mystery." He went on to add his baseless theory that Voight was probably supposed to slap Whaley, and it was "in the script."
Cain then went on to offer extensive evidence supporting his claim. Oh, wait. Not extensive. Zero.
He has no evidence at all, he just seems to think that's what happened, despite the testimony of the man being slapped in that picture — a man who presumably read the script. But as long as we're allowed to rewrite history however we want, it's time to go back and erase Dean Cain as Superman. Dean Cain never was Superman, because there's no such thing as MAGA superman.
Superman hates guns. He would never be on the board of the NRA.
Superman is the quintessential immigrant success story — his parents sent him from a homeland that was falling apart so he could live a better life in America. He would never have supported a politician who demonized immigrants, turned away refugees, treated undocumented children like animals, and tried to take away the rights of DACA recipients who came here much like Superman himself.
Superman helped bring down the KKK. He would never have posed happily with a president who was endorsed by David Duke — a president who called attendees at a white-supremacist rally "very fine people."
Superman stands up for the powerless. He wouldn't complain about "anti-police rhetoric" and share a video calling protesters "rioting thugs" while dismissing the systemic problem of police brutality as a case of "bad apples."
Superman is the defender of Earth. He wouldn't make a pro-Trump play with a man who makes propaganda "documentaries" supporting fracking and attacking environmentalism.
Clearly, Dean Cain has nothing to do with Superman. Comic book fans are always complaining when a depiction of a superhero isn't loyal to the source material. Last year they were complaining that Robert Pattinson wasn't working out enough for his starring role in The Batman, with one obnoxious fan saying, "When you hire the twink from Twilight, you get a twink Batman."
But now that some trailers for The Batman are out, we can confirm that it looks kind of badass — Pattinson's performance included. So let's turn that fan attention back to the '90s and just declare that Dean Cain is too big of an assh*le to play Superman. We need to retcon the whole thing and replace him with another handsome, all-American TV icon with great hair — but one who can believably play a good guy.
MAGA Superman is dead. From now on Lois and Clark starred Teri Hatcher and Early Edition's Kyle Chandler. Can't wait to see them in the revival.