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I Might Actually Watch "American Horror Story: Macaulay Culkin"

A girl can dream.


American Horror Story is gearing up for its 10th season, and Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Finn Wittrock, Lily Rabe, and Kathy Bates are signed up to return. So is Macaulay Culkin, and that fact alone is the only reason that I might actually watch the show.

Don't get me wrong: I loved AHS when it first came out. Murder House disturbed me more than most horror flicks ever have, and Asylum and Coven were both wonderously twisted and genuinely well-written. But somewhere along the way, things started getting formulaic. The excess of violence felt less purposeful and more like empty gore. The campiness felt less resonant, the characters less sympathetic. By Hotel, I was done.

I never thought I'd return to American Horror Story. I did binge-watch Roanoke during a rather low period in college, but watching that miserable show actually might qualify as self-harm more than anything else. I stumbled on someone watching an episode of 1984 while home for the weekend and felt my insides shriveling up like the baby corpses in the basement of the murder house.

Then, AHS announced that Macaulay Culkin is joining the cast this season. They haven't yet announced the series' title, but I am sincerely hoping that we'll be graced with American Horror Story: Macaulay Culkin, starring Macaulay Culkin as himself.

That might be the only hope the series has left. Culkin could star as a haunted, washed-up former child actor who continues to relive the traumas of his notorious near-death experiences during the filming of Home Alone. The whole thing could be a commentary on childhood and memory and the thin lines between commodity and tragedy. It could be about the commodification of violence in Hollywood and mostly just about Macaulay Culkin, waking up screaming in the night as he hears yet another killer trying to break into his home.

Most likely, AHS's 10th season will be called something like "AHS: Martians," "AHS: Zombies" or "AHS: Beach House." I may also be converted by a show called "AHS: Climate Change," but that might be too real.

You can watch the ominous and admittedly aesthetically pleasing first glimpse below, via Ryan Murphy's Instagram account:

Despite all the headlines that have spread rumors about him over the years, Culkin actually seems to be doing quite well. He's dating Brenda Song, and he has a satire website called Bunny Ears, a podcast with 100+ episode, and two cats named Apple and Dude. He was once in a pizza-themed comedy band and his legal name is "Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin." And now we'll get to see him embroiled in at least a few brutal murders.

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