In the wake of Time Magazine's selection of Greta Thunberg as their "Person of the Year", critics of science, ice caps, and the existence of youth have come out of the woodwork to criticize the choice.
She's a scold! A puppet! She's "mentally ill!" She's too young to have anything of value to say! But perhaps none have had more trenchant criticisms of Thunberg than the two Donald Trumps, both Junior and Senile. Don Jr. lashed out at Time for overlooking the Hong Kong protesters, a common thread among critics of Time's choice.
After all, the protests have been going on for more than six months now, and they give Americans an excuse to ignore the protests in the Middle East and Latin America—which implicate US foreign policy—and focus on the crimes of mainland China and the thank you messages to Trump. Instead of honoring the people who honored his father, Time Magazine devoted their cover to, in Junior's words, "a marketing gimmick."
It's unclear which marketing department came up with Greta Thunberg. The planet's? Generations-of-people-yet-to-be-born's? Whatever Madison Avenue genius came up with an impassioned teenage girl with Asperger's trying to save the world, give that guy the Don Draper award for clever gimmicks. Bravo. Never would've thought of it myself.
Not to be outdone though, President Trump tweeted some advice for Greta. Apparently, she needs to work on her "Anger Management problem" and stop involving herself in the grown-up business of destroying the future. Instead, President Trump advised that she should just "go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend. Chill Greta, Chill!" And she took his advice—yay!— altering her Twitter bio to reflect this sage wisdom from one of her biggest moral role models.
With this rousing success, maybe Trump should consider sending similar advice to some other angry people. Here are some current and former rageaholics who could really use a Trump-brand chill pill.
The Parkland Teens
"If you don't do anything to prevent this from continuing to occur, that number of gunshot victims will go up and the number that they are worth will go down. And we will be worthless to you."
Wow, calm down, Emma Gonzalez, why don't you go to a water park or something to take your mind off the trauma you've experienced and the lack of action to address this uniquely American type of horrifying violence.
"Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."
Damn, Frankie, hold a grudge much? You're almost as bad as your boy Winston "Beach-Fight" Churchill. I know you guys are worried about those Axis powers trying to take over the world, but why don't you go fly a kite and see how you feel in the morning.
"The only tired I was, was tired of giving in."
Geez, it's just a bus seat—and the systematic oppression of black Americans that deprives them of society's best resources and the opportunities to improve their lives. Go get a couple scoops of ice cream and you'll feel better.
The Standing Rock Sioux
"The invisibility of our humanity in this country is literally killing our women; they are offered up as easy prey and their disappearances are often lacking consequences for the perpetrators."
Okay, Chairman Archambault, so the decision to run a hazardous oil pipeline through your tribal lands actually points to a general disregard for the humanity of indigenous peoples, and that results in terrifying mistreatment. But have you considered going to a good old fashioned game of baseball? Might help you relax.
Simone De Beauvoir
"All oppression creates a state of war. And this is no exception."
What is it with these feminist political thinkers always getting so hot under the collar about not having the same rights, freedoms, and legal recognitions as men? Just go to a barbecue and stop worrying so much!
Child Separation Protesters
"There's no way to rationalize ripping families apart,"
If you say so, ACLU, but you sure sound upset about these child concentration camps, their awful inhumane conditions, and the lifelong trauma they induce. Why don't you go for a bike ride and get back to us?
"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."
Okay, James, but have you tried not being relatively conscious? Try huffing some good old-fashioned ether, or downing a couple bottles of high-strength chill pills.
Now if these other hotheads would just take President Trump's sound advice before the year is over, maybe Time will change their minds, and give "Person of the Year" to the kind of calm, chilled out person who deserves it.