Satire
Culture Feature

Why Do Gwyneth Paltrow's Vagina-Scented Candles Keep "Exploding?"

Is it normal for a candle to come with this many warnings?

When you get a new candle, what's the first thing you do?

Obviously, like any responsible candle owner, you immediately check the safety instructions to make sure that you're observing all necessary protocol to avoid a violent explosion of flames — before locking it in your candle safe. But it turns out that not everyone is like us. There are some dangerous individuals out there who are buying candles without the understanding that they are essentially deadly weapons.

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Culture Feature

Joe Rogan Is Right — Straight White Men Are Being Silenced!

Won't anyone please consider the plight of the straight white man?

I'm not supposed to be saying this.

I'm not really sure I'm supposed to be saying anything at all. Because the truth is... I'm a straight white man.

I know it's shocking. I'll probably be fired before I can finish typing this sentence. A straight white male being paid to voice his opinions in the year of our lord 2021 — and saying shit like "year of our lord" as if it weren't bad enough already.

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Satire

Surviving New York City's First Legal 4/20

Everyone's favorite "gateway drug" is about to open a gateway to hell in NYC.

Without checking your cupboards, how many days of snack food do you have stocked up?

If you don't know the answer, it's already too late. April 20th is upon us — AKA 4/20, AKA Kiefster Funday, AKA the Feast of Saint Bowlentine. And it's about to tear our civilization apart...

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FADE IN:

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION — NIGHT

MICHAEL (71, balding, white) sits across from LISA (64, slim, white) at a poolside table, looking out over Los Angeles lit up beneath them. Michael's tie is undone, and shirt partially unbuttoned to reveal a shock of greying chest hair he takes a long, satisfied drag on a CIGARETTE, then passes it to Lisa, who draws on it thoughtfully, looking into the middle distance.

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Culture News

Absolutely No One Is Celebrating Rush Limbaugh's Death

At times like these, it's important not to remember what an awful person the dead guy was.

When an iconic figure dies, there's a certain amount of deference that is owed to the occasion.

Even if that iconic figure is someone you disagreed with — someone who has spent decades peddling hateful and dishonest messages in service of wealthy elites and his own ego — you can't celebrate someone's death. Even if that person may be more responsible for the decay of American political discourse than anyone else, there's still such a thing as respect for the dead.

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Satire

5 Reasons You Actually Should Put Gorilla Glue in Your Hair

What's the worst that could happen?

Update 2/12/2021: Since publication, a 37-year-old Louisiana man named Len Martin reportedly attempted to jump on the social media wave and prove that Tessica Brown's hair mishap was a hoax by using Gorilla Glue to attach a plastic cup to his upper lip in order to show how easily it is to remove... Except that it's not easy at all, and he ended up in the hospital, as will anyone else who attempts the "Gorilla Glue Challenge."

It's not yet known if his lip will heal on its own or require surgery. So in case it wasn't clear from the disclaimers that this article was intended as satire, let's state it clearly: if you put Gorilla Glue on yourself, you will regret it, and will more than likely end up in the hospital... So don't.

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