Satire
Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

Keep Reading Show less
Satire

Sylvester Stallone's Dream Home Is for Sale (with One Nightmare-Inducing Feature)

The whole house looks amazing, but the master suite contains nightmares

Considering his career of playing barely-articulate purveyors of violence in Rocky, Rambo, and The Expendables, Sylvestor Stallone's mansion in La Quinta, California is surprisingly classy.

If you don't mind the faux-Italian villa aesthetic, the four-bedroom, five-bath home has a lot to offer. At nearly 5,000 square feet, the house is appointed with vaulted ceilings, multiple terraces, pools, and fireplaces. Located in a private community with its own golf course, the home's spacious rooms open onto lavish outdoor spaces with beautiful views of California's Coachella Valley. And while the $3.35 million asking price is a lot to ask, it's substantially less than Stallone paid for the house in 2010—more than a million dollars less. It's so much less that you may begin to wonder why the house is being offered at such a steep discount.

Keep Reading Show less
Satire

Elder Gods Apologize for Delay in Rollout of the Apocalypse

Production on the end of the world has been a mess since day one

With June of 2020 nearly here and no sign of the final cataclysm we've been promised, it's beginning to seem like The End Times will forever be near, without ever being upon us.

While the early phases of civilization's collapse into a burning hellscape were promising, progress on the more dramatic culmination of armageddon has been repeatedly stalled by restructuring, miscommunication, and the high rate of turnover within the ranks of the Great Old Ones' loyal subjects.

"The slow burn is great and all," said John Knӕlgghyrt, née Phillips, who was briefly the high priest of Cthulhu's Dark Order—prior to being scooped unceremoniously into his lord's tentacled maw—"but trying to get the big stuff done has been a real challenge." The main struggle he points to is the lack of cohesion and structural order among the death cult working haplessly to hasten Earth's return to a state of desolation and chaos. "It's like herding cats sometimes. Insane, death-obsessed cats."

Keep Reading Show less
© 2020 Popdust Inc. All Rights Reserved.