Culture Feature

3 Ways to Cope with Election Stress

While we wait for the 2020 Presidential election results, we can all do these three things.

I don't know about you, but I hoped I'd never have to think about Nevada this much.

As the state known for Las Vegas and nothing else takes their sweet time counting up the votes, while the future of American Democracy hangs in uncertain balance for the third day, it's excusable if your coping mechanisms have gotten a little unorthodox.

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Culture Feature

I Gave Myself the Life I Deserve in "The Sims 4" Because Real Life Is Terrible

Constructing my pixelated alter-ego is the most productive thing I've done in four months.

Today, I'm introducing the world to my Sim alter-ego. She's really going places, unlike my actual self, who's hardly moved in months.

Although I've never identified with the title of "gamer," simulation video games have held a special place in my heart for almost as long as I can remember. Back when I was way too young to know what the word "WooHoo" euphemized, my older cousin showed me The Sims on his computer—the original, horrifically low-res version that came out in 2000—and very patiently taught me the basics of building a house in the world's most famous simulation game to date. Little did anyone know that I'd be hooked for life.

But The Sims didn't return to me until a few years later; in the meantime, I built theme parks in Roller Coaster Tycoon, trained labrador retrievers in Nintendogs, and pestered my friend's brother to let us play Mario Kart and Tony Hawk Pro Skater on his Nintendo 64. At some point, when my parents deemed me old enough, they bought me The Sims 2. I likely killed half my brain cells during my innumerable hours of playing it.

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Culture Feature

8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Still Alive

At 90+, these celebrities have seen a lot of sh*t go down.

Old people: They're reservoirs of hidden wisdom, and if all goes well, we'll all become them someday.

Despite the fact that—barring outside circumstances—everyone gets old, it's surreal to imagine our favorite celebrities as wrinkly elders. But time will have its way with all of us. That doesn't mean we should forget our elders, though; we would do well to learn from them.

Here are twelve celebrities you may not know were still living…

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Kim Kardashian may be one of the most famous people in the world, but she'll never be as big as her absolutely enormous sofa.

In a recent at home shoot for Vogue magazine's Postcards From Home portfolio, Kim Kardashian shared several shots with her adorable children. At first, the family appears to be sitting on your average brownish couch. But as you scroll through the pictures they become progressively more zoomed out, making the family seem smaller in perspective, while the couch they're sitting on remains the same size. Soon, you begin to realize that the family is sitting on the single largest sofa that you've ever seen. Seriously, look at the fourth photo. There are seaworthy ships smaller in square footage than that couch. My New York City apartment is a third of the size of that couch.

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7 Comedy Podcasts to Replace Your Friends

For when your friend Dan isn't as funny as he thinks he is.

A bunch of bored researchers already published the obvious finding that 2019 was one of the loneliest times in human history.

2020 is looking to handily break that record. Considering social media's emphasis on constant human connection, it usually takes hard work and dedication to avoid people at all costs. But now, with over half a million podcasts streaming on Apple alone, we're finally free to go about our daily routines without speaking to another living soul. Still, when the number of available podcasts is bigger than the population of Miami, choosing which hosts should replace your real-life friends is a challenge.

But since your friends were never as funny as they thought they were (DAN Kahan), here are the top seven comedy podcasts you should be listening to:

1."My Favorite Murder"

Exactly Right

MFM is hosted by Karen Kilgariff, a long-time comedian who will always remind you, "Fuck off, I'm almost 50," and Georgia Hardstark, a food blogger who hates on her own vocal fry. The two friends are "lifelong fans of true crime stories telling each other their favorite tales of murder and hearing hometown crime stories from friends and fans." But their natural banter and anecdotes about how worthless their 20s were rank MFM as one of iTunes' top four comedy podcasts.

2. "Last Podcast on the Left"

Actor and comedian Henry Zebrowski co-hosts with fellow comedian Ben Kissel and their nerdy friend Marcus Parks. Last Podcast on the Left covers "all the horrors our world has to offer, both imagined and real, from demons and slashers to cults and serial killers." Tackling the most bizarre conspiracy theories and true crime stories has clearly driven the guys insane, and it's a miracle they can get through one cohesive story.

3. "Armchair Expert with Dax Shepherd"

Armchair Expert

The actor hosts "a podcast that celebrates the messiness of being human." After parodying a love expert on The Ellen Show, Ellen Degeneres praised Shepherd's genuine talent for listening to strangers' problems and giving them sound advice. He launched Armchair Expert from the loft above his garage shortly after; now it ranks near the top of the iTunes chart.

4. "How Did This Get Made?"

Is there ever a good excuse for a terrible movie? Grace and Frankie's June Diane and her husband, Paul Scheer, co-host with Jason Mantzoukas, as they examine how a film can be "so bad it's amazing."

5. "WTF with Marc Maron"

The veteran comedian's weekly podcast has been going strong since 2009. Maron interviews guest-starring comedians and actors about controversies, allegations, and inflammatory current events with the same no-bullshit approach used in his comedy.

6. "The Flop House"

Brooklyn-based hosts Dan McCoy, Stuart Wellington, and Elliot Kaplan also dive deep into bad filmmaking. Every two weeks they select a critical and/or commercial failure to break down how and why it failed. Sometimes they try to explain the debacle with behind the scenes gossip; other times, Dan has no idea what the fuck was happening in the movie.

7. "Why Won't You Date Me"

Comedian Nicole Byer is extremely single and wants to know why. Even though "she's smart, funny, has a fat ass, and loves giving blow jobs," Byer talks about drowning in the dating pool under role-play fetishists and weird penises. Bonus: if you leave her a dirty comment, she might read it on-air.


Jesus Rose from the Dead So Lizzo Could Twerk, STFU Diddy

This is the lord's day. There is no body shaming on the lord's day.

First, God created the heavens and the earth; second, he made the sea and the animals; and then, he created people.

God quickly realized he'd made a mistake with the "people" recipe, so he tried again, a few billion years later, and thus was born the gift that is Lizzo. If there is anything that proves the presence of a loving and sentient god, surely it's Lizzo in all her flute-playing, note-hitting, body-positive glory. But, apparently, some would disagree.

On Sunday, Rapper and businessman Diddy hosted the "world's biggest dance-a-thon" on his Instagram account in an effort to raise money to benefit healthcare workers in underserved areas. Many big names and excellent dancers joined in, including Jennifer Lopez, Alex Rodriguez, and, of course, Lizzo.

As is her trademark, Lizzo started to twerk while Diddy's sons danced on his Instagram live stream. Diddy quickly shut it down, shouting, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" jumping into the frame and stopping the music. "It's Easter Sunday, let's play something a little more family friendly." Lizzo appeared to be, understandably, embarrassed and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry! Let's do something fun. Well, don't play that kind of... play something I can bop to."

If Diddy had found Lizzo's dance moves too suggestive for his sons, that would be one thing. But he soon proved that the twerking wasn't the problem when model Draya Michele danced similarly on the dance-a-thon just a few hours later.

"You killed that!" Diddy told Draya. "I think that was one of the top performances."

Twitter users, rightfully, had issues with Diddy's hypocrisy.

It's obvious that Diddy shutting down Lizzo's dancing had nothing to do with it being "the Lord's day" and everything to do with fat phobia. Online backlash was so severe that he later tried to excuse himself by claiming that he stopped Lizzo because of the song she chose: "When I stopped the music, it was 'cause it had a lot of curses in there," he posted on Instagram. "Not 'cause she was twerking. She's one of the best twerkers in the world, okay? So, let's keep that clear. You are allowed to twerk on Easter. There was a lot of cursing in the record and I don't need child services knocking on my door right now." Cursing on Instagram has never brought child services to anyone's door, but okay, Diddy.

It's sad that some people still can't see the divine miracle that is the female form in all its many variations—especially the holy gift of Lizzo's butt. Of course, so close to Easter, all we can do is pray for Diddy's hypocritical, fat phobic soul and twerk our hearts out, no matter what size we are.

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